Confessions of a quarter life crisis

I can list a million reasons how to know it’s wrong, but the question everyone really wants answered is, “how do I know when it’s right?” I won’t pretend to be a relationship expert, and I won’t pretend that I even know a little more than the person sitting next to me, but I will say that love that lasts a life time is never cut and dry. There are no cookie cutters for the perfect man, because there are no cookie cutter perfect women, therefore  every relationship brings its own unique flavor to the mix. (I must be hungry, lots of food in that one)

So do couples balance each other? Is a spicy man perfect for a mild woman? Or should they be of more similar tastes, two spicy people work together and two mild other people are great too? I think that in some relationships, a balance of opposites works, such as “The Olive Theory” from How I Met Your Mother, where one member hates olives (allegedly) and the other loves them; so the couple is perfect because one never has to have something they don’t like and the thing never goes to waste.  But in other situations, people can have very similar tastes and interests and get along perfectly because neither has to do something they don’t enjoy, and they both get to share things they like together.

Where am I in all this mix? Do I fit anything that other relationships supposedly fit into? I think so, but I also think I’ve got more, something special that others I’ve seen don’t.  Call it love, call it youthful ambition, call it whatever you want, but I really do think that David and I are similar where it counts and opposing enough to balance each other in other aspects of our lives.  

Now I don’t know if we have the stuff that lasts forever, the stuff that makes life worth living and brings reason to unreasonable moments, but I do know that for now I am very happy. And although David and I disagree on things, we are really good about listening and empathizing; and being in this relationship is the most exciting and fulfilling thing I have ever taken part in.

When I was a youngster I had huge dreams for myself. I wanted to swim with the whales, and visit the moon. I dreamed of being president and having a large house with lots of family and friends to invite to my wonderful parties. Everyone would love me, and i would love them, and we would all live in this happy world that was made to because I was in it. I made the difference, I made the world around me happy, I alone had that power.

Now, being more of what the world considers an adult, no matter how small and childish I may feel, I realize that I can not do all of those things, because although I may be smart enoug to be an astronaut, and I may be able to swim with the whales at some point in my future, I cannot make a perfect world for myself or anyone around me. I do not have that power (nor do I really want it, anymore). I would like to say that I have the ability to pass happiness on to others, but I do nat have that power just as much as others do not have the power to make me happy, I choose to do so all on my own.  

So where do I go from there? Do I hold on to my childhood dreams of a life of big dreams and bigger expenses (something I didn’t calculate till a bit later on), or do I reevaluate my life and make my dreams more attainable and less spectacular?

Well, I have decided to do a bit of both. I have decided that I want my life to be a bit more financially attainable, but no less spectacular, just in a different way. I want a family, and all the love and amazingness that comes with it. I want a husband who will help me love my children and love me and be a great father to the future I want to bring to the world. I want a job that makes me feel secure and productive, one that helps others, in turn helping me contribute to the world. And then, when all is said and done, and my children are grown and being productive members of society all on their own, I will get mu underwater adventure, and maybe see the moon from a safe place on the ground. Until then, I want to make my life spectualr on a smaller scale, on a more personal level, one that I can remember for the rest of my life.

This morning I went for an ultrasound of my innards to make sure that my infection has disappeared and I don’t need any further treatment. I just got a call from the doctor, all is well, my infection has subsided, and I do not have to worry anymore.

As for the rest of my life. I have a job offer to sing this Christmas season and be hired out, and another interview with the restaurant on Saturday. I want to do the singing, but last year I had a lot of trouble fitting it into my work schedule because the girl who heads the group is very unorganised and has trouble notifying me of performances in enough time for me to fit it into my schedule. So basically it became my fault when I wasn’t available, even though she would give me less than a weeks notice, and everyone knows no matter where you work, less than a week is hardly ever enough time to get your shift covered.

By the time we die, most of us will have spent a quarter of a century asleep, of which six years or more will have been spent dreaming—and almost all of those dreams are forgotten upon waking.

You cannot snore and dream at the same time. (David must not dream that much then, ha ha , sorry)

Because nightmares were thought to be from menacing spirits, such as witches, folklore suggests placing a knife under the foot of the bed. Evil spirits were thought to be repelled by the steel on the knife.

Scientists suggest that the dreams of fetuses are mostly composed of sound and touch sensations, given the lack of visual stimuli in the womb.

About 80% of neonatal and newborn sleep time is REM sleep, suggesting a tremendous amount of time dreaming.

Falling dreams typically occur at the beginning of the night, in Stage I sleep. These dreams are often accompanied by muscle spasms, called myoclonic jerks, and are common in many mammals.

Aside from those who experience certain kinds of injury, it’s a biological fact that everyone dreams. However, not everyone remembers his or her dreams.

The memory-recording processes of the brain seems to switch off during sleep. In so-called non-dreamers, this memory shutdown is more complete than it is for the rest. Dreams may be forgotten because they are incoherent or because they contain repressed material that the conscious mind does not wish to remember.

Most of us dream every 90 minutes, and the longest dreams (30-45 minutes) occur in the morning.

Vitamin B complex (B6) and St. John’s Wort have been shown to produce more vivid dreams.

Nicotine patches and even melatonin (an over-the-counter sleep aid) are reported to increase the vividness of dreams and nightmares. The nicotine patch in particular is said to intensify dreams.

Even the occasional use of alcohol can have a significant impact on sleep and dreaming. Alcohol slows activity in the cortex, which causes a person to sink into a deep, slow-wave sleep rather than experiencing REM sleep

Psychologists speculate that falling dreams are rooted in our early experiences as toddlers taking our first steps on two legs. Some sociobiologists argue that our fear of falling derives from the experiences of prehistorical ancestors afraid of tumbling out of trees during the night.

 *** Meanings

Dreams of losing teeth or having teeth extracted can signify many things, including fears of helplessness or of some sort of loss in one’s life. Women experience more teeth dreams than men.

 Dreams of dirty water may signal that the unconscious mind is telling the dreamer he or she is not healthy.

An alien in a dream may indicate that the dreamer is experiencing difficulty adjusting to new conditions or a new environment, or that his or her personal space is being invaded.

Cakes in dreams can signify a time to rejoice at one’s accomplishments, or to celebrate new relationships or work efforts that have been successful but not necessarily acknowledged.

Finding oneself in a cemetery during a dream may indicate sadness or unresolved grief. It may also represent one’s “dead” past.

Chocolate in a dream may symbolize that the dreamer feels the need to be rewarded and deserves special treatment. It could also mean that the dreamer has been indulging in too many excesses and needs to practice restraint.

Standing on a cliff in a dream can represent that one has a broad view of something or that the dreamer feels like he or she is living on the edge or is afraid of failure.

Large bodies of water often symbolize the unconscious, so dreams of drowning may indicate being overwhelmed by unconscious, repressed issues. Drowning can also symbolize that the dreamer is entering a new stage of development and that the old self is “dying.”

Forests, like water, are often symbols of the unconscious. Traveling into a forest indicates exploration of the unconscious realm or represents a comforting refuge from the demands of everyday life.

A house in a dream is often a symbol of our body, so a mansion in a dream can represent a “rich” or even exaggerated sense of self. A mansion might also represent our future potential.

Being naked in a dream suggests exposure of self to others, vulnerability, or feeling ashamed. Alternatively, it can also represent a desire for freedom or being unencumbered.

http://facts.randomhistory.com/interesting-facts-about-dreams.html

You will always be different, special, more aware than seemingly everyone. And this will frustrate you until the day you die, I’m sorry.Don’t lose hope, some people will surprise you, keep those people close, and the ones who don’t, just know that the majority won’t, will be everywhere you don’t want them to be. Like I said, you’re different.Being different will make you crazy, and keep you sane. Just remember, being different means that most people will not understand you, they will dislike you, and be jealous of you, they will make things difficult for you just because they are threatened by you. You will intimidate without trying, so don’t try. People who are your friends won’t even always understand you, and that’s fine, because you won’t always understand them either.As you grow, you’ll begin to learn peoples habits, therefore making the fact that you can predict their annoyances better, but it will make no more sense to you other than that’s just how people are. And people don’t change either, so it’s only a waste of time to try to change them.Be different, wave your freak flag high. Because those who love you will accept you, they will enjoy your uniqueness and your abilities. Be the girl you were meant to be, because she is awesome, and she will do great things.  I’m proud to be different, and you will too, someday.

Lately I have been in a lot of emotional distress. I am nervous about money, I wasn’t accepted to nursing school (for now, because of money), and I am just really dissatisfied with my life as of late. When I lost my job at the restaurant I lost so many friends that I got to see weekly without any effort on our parts because we were already coming there to work.  So what do I do now? Where do I turn to to find a balance in my financial life as well as my social one, because they are both necessary parts of me? I know I have a potential job, but It won’t be the same. My friend Jen, the one who told me they were looking for another server to work weekends, tells me its not nearly as fun and the people aren’t even half as great as the ones we worked with before. And although I’ll have her, which is a blessing because she is wonderful, one person cannot replace the relationships I had with the whole staff. And I did have them with the whole staff.

So now I just need to know if I get the job or not, and see how things work out. And although money doesn’t buy happiness, it does buy a lot of things that I can’t afford right now without it, like health insurance, and groceries (thanks again Robin for dinner last night, and Teresa for stocking the refrigerator. You both have helped me out more than you’ll know), and gas for my car. I seriously need this job, and if I don’t end up getting it, I need another one.

I had a job interview last night! It went very well; it was with another branch of the same restaurant I used to work for. They are really only looking for someone who can work weekends, which is perfect, because I won’t ever have to work two jobs in the same day! The manager I talked to last night said I may have to do one more interview; but since they won’t have to spend any money training me, I will most likely be able to start soon, possibly even this weekend!!

Best part of all? I can now afford Christmas presents, and the best part of Christmas is giving!

Time for my first ever movie review. I love movies, and last night I saw one that moved me to tears, made me laugh, and was one of the best films I’ve seen since, well Wall-E, which was also amazing.

Disney/Pixar’s Up

All I can say is that it shows the power of love, be it love that lasts a lifetime, the love of a child, or the love of an old man who learns to love a child.

Adventures, funny animals, cool inventions, and a big dose of imagination give this story power that others were before lacking. I seriously am so glad I watched this movie.

All grown up, and moving up in the world. You’re the big cheese now. Congrats bud, I’m oober proud of you.

Bobby, my dear dear friend, has just accepted a position as manager-in training at an Abercrombie and Fitch store in the area (well, about 25 minutes away). He is starting his training tomorrow and I for one am very proud of him. In the immortal words of anonymous, “good things come to those who wait,” and you, Bobby, have been very patient, so you deserve this.

To my only friend who has lasted 6 years: I love you, and I am so darn proud of you. Go get those stars Bobby; they are not out of your reach.

****

Denise and Bobby, in the only decent we have taken together these 6 years.

I have the weirdest dreams. And I;m not talking about talking animals, or flying. Those are so normal compared to mine it’s scary. This strange dream thing must run into my family, because my sisters have weird dreams too.

We all dream about each other dying, or being murdered and its our job to save the other person a lot. They dream about each other and then will call the other one in the middle of to night to make sure everything is okay. I dream about my family and my friends dying.

Last night I had a dream Bobbywas dead, and I was getting married to my high school boyfriend Ryan. I was walking around in a combination Toys R’ Us/Wal-Mart trying to get everything together for my wedding while I was crying my eyes out in a wedding dress and for some reason I had handcuffs on too. They weren’t constricting me, in fact I had full use of my hands and arms, but when I looked at my hands they were in cuffs. I was walking around the store looking for my wedding things and crying because I didn’t have Bobby to help me; and I was wondering if David would still let me sleep in his bed that night, even though I married someone else. I was crying so hard all these workers were coming over to give mo consolation. My sisters and I were fighting (Carol was about 4 again, and Teresa didn’t want to be my maid of honor even though I really needed one since Bobby was dead), my mother wasn’t helping me at all, and Ryan kept yelling at me for looking at shoes. Then I ran into David’s two brothers (David only has one brother, no idea why I dreamed he had two) and they talked to me like normal, like it wasn’t even weird that I was crying in Wal-Mart/Toys R’ Us with a wedding dress on.

Needless to say, I woke up crying and tears everywhere. I knew I had been dreaming, but I was so out of it from just waking up, that I couldn’t quite figure out if Bobby was alive or not. After about 3 minutes of tearful pondering I decided that everything had been a dream, and he couldn’t possibly be dead.

Whew, what a night.

*******

Today’s question is:

If you could make sure that you would never have another nightmare again, never wake in a sweat, never cry out at an invisible enemy in your sleep; would you give up dreaming altogether?

My answer: Of course not. I love my dreams, I look forward to them every night. If I could do away with the nightmares only, then maybe, but even in them I think I learn about myself. I will take a thousand nights of waking with a start, and opening my eyes to tears over no dreams whatsoever. It’s better to feel something, feel anything, than nothing at all.